I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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