just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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