She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
