Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
