im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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