how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
