he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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