Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
