five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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