I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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