I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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