No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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