it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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