I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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