Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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