God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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