You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
