i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
