I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
