whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
