I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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