Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
