I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
be right there i have to get my cape
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
