the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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