DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
