If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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