I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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