I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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