I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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