My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
