It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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