You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
