i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
