i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
