Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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