thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He shit in the fireplace
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
