i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
