You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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