would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
