I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
