all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
