I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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