how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
