The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
