I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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