I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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