I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
