I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
