how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
