Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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