how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
