how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
