he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
