i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
