Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
