Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
