when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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