im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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