I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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